I tell everyone I meet that my favorite book is A love worth giving by Max Lucado. I say it’s my favorite book because everytime I read it, it opens my eyes to how much God loves me and how I can in turn pass that love to everyone around me. Reading that book for the first time made a huge impact in my life, it made me feel loved by God, like really loved, I know God loves me and while I can’t pin point any other book that reinforced that love, I know I did a little more digging to explore God’s love for me, and I can say without a doubt, I’m loved.
When you read about God’s love, one of the key scriptures you’ll see along side is:
1 Johnn 4:19 We love because he first loved us.
For the longest time, because I’ve been very drenched in God’s love, I’ve professed my love for God too, and to some degree, I believe it. God loves me so much! I love God so much too! That being said, I’ve been going through a lot lately, and it has caused me to really think of so much. I should say, my life has been going fairly well lately; family is good, work is good, I’m debt free (except the debt I’m owing myself for not saving because I spent it on food).. I digress, so by “a lot”, I mean spiritually; my faith hasn’t been the same in a very long time. Off the top of my head I can point to two things: my fellowship with God not being as consistent, and my abysmal church attendance (it’s really not about just going to Church though, it’s the whole thing..long story). However, as a 23 year old baby, let’s ignore the fact that I’ve listed out the root of the problem and just go on whining about the problem. So for sure, the freefall or yoyo (this accurately describes it) motion of my spiritual life definitely causes me great sadness. I want to fix it, but I’m not fixing it, and now I’m sad I’m not fixing it, and now I’m sad, I’m sad. lol (but not funny).
Anyway, to the reason I wrote this post. I’ve pondered giving up my faith so I will just be free from the emotional guilt I carry, and I’ve often wondered, how I would feel if I let it all go, like would I be happy happy? No guilt. In those times, I usually say, God loves me so much, like really loves me, and that’s why I should persevere because he loves me in my mess and is happy to help me go through whatever it is I’m going through. I was reading a book this morning and a thought crossed my mind: is the reason I don’t want to let go of God because I know I’m nothing without God, like, all my career and personal success is nothing without God, so I’m just sticking around because I want the benefits and I’m masking the benefits as “love”. Am I only trying to run back to God not because I know he loves me(and I love him back) but because I want to continue my success streak and I don’t want to lose my genie lamp? If that’s really my true motivation, I don’t know, but I’m kinda sad about it. It means my love for God is material and not really love, I’m just staying in the relationship for the benefits. sigh.
But! If that’s not the real motivation and I love God, why do I keep doing things like someone that doesn’t? It clearly says that if you love God, you’ll obey his word, I’m clearly not doing that, so the above though seems like the more plausible explanation for this whole situation.
I know I want to be in this relationship with God for the right reasons, but how do I move forward from here?